Naruto characters are
by Meinos Kaen
Summary: Let's decide once and for all what Naruto&Co can and cannot ever be. Don't be fooled by the shortness. Rated for some language. Review, please.
1. Naruto is

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto in any way. Sorry.

Well, what to say… I was looking trough the internet, and I saw these deviations on deviantArt named " Is..". They were cute mini-doujins about the horrors of fanfictions. XD I liked them very much, so I thought: "Why not making a series of oneshots out of it?" Some phrases will be quotes from these pics. Said this… Enjoy!

**Naruto characters are…**

**Naruto is…**

_Naruto is a shinobi from Konoha_

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_Naruto is not an alien_

Goku: Hey, where's your tail?

Naruto???

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_Naruto is not the reincarnation of the Yondaime_

God of death: Man, wasn't it a good dinner…

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_Naruto is definitely not a girl_

Naruko: I'm sooooo sexy…

Naruto: O.O (WTF?!)

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_Naruto has the Kyuubi sealed inside him_

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_He hasn't a second demon sealed inside him, and even if he had, it wouldn't be Kyuubi's kit_

Kyuubi's kit: PAPA!

Kyuubi: WTF?!

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_He hasn't the Yondaime sealed inside him_

God of death: I don't remember puking anyone, in my life…

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_He hasn't Sephiroth, Ranma, an OC, or anyone else sealed inside him_

Ranma: Give me the remote! There's Ophra!

Sephiroth: The hell with Ophra. I want to watch Trigun.

Vash: Someone called?

Kyuubi: This cell is becoming narrow…

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_Naruto ( as much as we can't understand why ) is in love with Sakura_

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_Not with Sasuke…_

Naruto: That hole in my right lung was a sign of affection, right?

Sasuke: I'll dance on your grave.

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_Not with Kyuubi, be it female or male…_

Naruto: Wanna give me some love?

Kyuubi: What about sudden death, instead?

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_Not with Tsunade…_

Tsunade: THE HELL…!

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_Not with Itachi…_

Naruto: You'd leave Akatsuki to be with me, right?

Itachi: … Go away…

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_Not with Neji…_

Neji: He saved me from the darkness… He didn't bless me with homosexuality.

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_And definitely not with Gaara_

Gaara: Do you really want me to go on a killing spree again?

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_Naruto is an orphan_

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_He is not Yondaime's son ( as much as you want it to be )…_

Naruto: Cloud Strife has spiky blonde hair and blue eyes too, but it's not like he's my uncle or something…

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_He is not related to Sasuke…_

Naruto: I'd commit seppuke…

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_And he's definitely not related to Kyuubi_

Kyuubi: As if… You wish.

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_Naruto is cheerful and happy the most of the time_

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_He's not an emo…_

Naruto: I'm breeeeeaking the haaaaabiiiiit…

Sasuke: You're scaring me…

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_He's not a suicidal maniac…_

Naruto: The hell with my life and my dream! I'll become the first undead Hokage, then!

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_He's not secretly evil and planning revenge on Konoha, and no one persuaded him to do so during his childhood, be it Kyuubi or whoever… Fortunately, we could say_

Naruto: Imagine Gaara 9 times more powerful and with 9 times more chakra…

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_Naruto was the dead-last of his graduation class at the beginning of the Manga, and he slowly gets better. Even now he's still getting stronger. His only strong points were his incredible amount of chakra and his stubbornness_

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_He is not a 12 years old sannin-level ninja_

Naruto: And I definitively don't have a series that rivals with Icha Icha.

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_He didn't fuse with Kyuubi when he was 6 granting him all his chakra and control over foxes, wolf or squirrels_

Squirrels: Squiken!

Naruto: WTF?!

Kronk: Need help? I can understand him…

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_He was not secretly trained by Tsunade, Jiraya or the Sandaime, or from all of them together during his childhood_

Tsunade: I was away gambling…

Jiraya: I was away gathering informations…

Sandaime: Too occupied with cursing paperwork…

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_And Naruto doesn't ABSOLUTELY say believe it every five seconds._

Naruto: BELIEVE IT! BELIEVE IT! BELIEVE IT! BELIEVE IT!

Sasuke: He looks like a Pokemon… Believeit, the ramen-loving Pokemon.

Sakura: Are we sure 'Dattebayo' meant that? But even if it meant 'Believe it', he didn't say it every damn fg second like a complete retard.

_Continue…_

_In the next chapter…_

In the next chapter we'll explore the personality of one Sasuke Uchiha. Stay tuned!


	2. Sasuke is

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto in any way. Sorry.

Before continuing, some service messages. One of my reviewers told me not to diss people who put AU in their fic. I have no intention on doing that. I read and C2 a lot of those stories. The point is that a lot of fanfictions use always the same plots, and get boring after, if not the first, two chapters. This is just a funny way to make a critique without pissing off anyone. THE ONLY KIND OF FANFICTION I HATE IS YAOI! And superpowered Naruto fics, too… Now, enjoy!

**Naruto characters are…**

**Sasuke is…**

_Sasuke was a shinobi from Konoha. He fled to Orochimaru and he's currently a shinobi from Oto._

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_He isn't Naruto's brother_

Naruto+Sasuke: ARE YOU HIGH ON PEANUT BUTTER JELLY OR WHAT?!

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_He isn't related to Harry Potter or Draco Malfoy_

Draco: Apart the pale skin… What do we have in common?

Sasuke: I mean, he's a kind boy who just fakes being evil and stuff because of his father's pressure and to protect himself from the world, while I am a real stuck up bastard.

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_He isn't a vampire_

Sasuke: I don't go around biting fangirls and making harems out of their undead selves, sorry.

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_He is definitely not a girl_

Naruto: Hey, Sasuka! How is bra modelling going?

Sasuka: Fine, thank you! By the way, what about going out with me, this evening?

Sasuke: … ( I'm sooooooo going to kill the author… )

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_Sasuke is one of the only two survivors of his clan_

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_He has not long lost sisters, cousins or true mothers ( I like them ONLY when they get paired up with Naruto! )_

OC: Open your mouth, Naruto-kun… Ahhhm!

Naruto: You're so sweet, Toolazytothinkofasuitablename. What about our projects for ramen-loving Uchiha babies?

Sasuke: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! MEINOS, I'LL KILL YOUUUUUUUUUU!

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_He is not the ONLY survivor of his clan_

Itachi: Hey… I killed my whole family, but it's not like I got pink hair or bushy eyebrows because of that…

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_He is not an half-breed/demon/mage/vampire/hippie, etc…_

Sasuke: I'm not racist, but I prefer to stay white and human, thanks.

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_Sasuke is an avenger, and, as much as it sounds strange to us, poor, healthy, loving, horny males who don't have a fanclub like him, he doesn't have time for love_

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_He doesn't love Sakura…_

Sakura: SASUKE-KUUUUU-UUUUN!

Sasuke: As much as they would be the perfect weapon for killing Itachi with laughters, there will never be Uchiha men with pink hair… ( Quoted from another fic! )

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_He doesn't love Hinata…_

Hinata: Have we even met, before?

Sasuke: …

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_He doesn't love Neji…_

Neji: We met twice and we almost threatened death to each other. How does that count as love?

Sasuke: Don't ask me…

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_He doesn't love Itachi…_

Itachi: Apart that I killed our parents, and the rest of the family…

Sasuke: THAT'S FREAKING INCEST!

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_He doesn't love Orochimaru…_

Orochimaru: I want his body as a replacement, not for warming my lovely nights.

Sasuke: Not that I'd let him do that… I'd commit suicide and screw the avenger thing…

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_AND HE DEFINITELY DOESN'T LOVE NARUTO!_

Sasuke: I made a freaking hole in his right lung! Then, what about weeding? Instead of exchanging rings, I'll just rip off his manhood and feed it to Kakashi's summonings.

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_Sasuke has a dark, lonely personality. He doesn't want friends or anything because a circle of pals and a love life would distract from his vengeance. And he betrayed the few he had along with his village for that same purpose. He wants power, but just to kill. He doesn't want political power or anything like that._

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_He is not an emo_

Sasuke: Do you ever feel like breaking down… Do you ever feel out of place…

Naruto: Now YOU're scaring me…

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_He is not a playboy_

Sasuke: No time for love… No time for cuddling… No time for sex… Gotta get stronger than Itachi…

Naruto: … Man, that sounds so wrong…

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_He is not a hidden Naruto-clone_

Sasuto: I'll kill my brotha and dake my revenge! Believe it!

Sasuke: … The author watched the Majin Bu saga of Dragon Ball too many times…

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_He is not a manwhore_

Sasuke: Didn't we already discuss my suspected gayness?

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_He hasn't left Konoha because he has a secret plan to take Orochimaru's place as the Otokage_

Sasukage: HAIL TO ME, FOOLS!

Sasuke: Before I wear a stupid hat like that, I'll first marry Sakura.

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_He hasn't left Konoha because he has a secret plan to stab Orochimaru in the back and go back as an hero_

Sasuke: I'M A BASTARD! AT LEAST ADMIT THIS! I'M A WORSE BASTARD THAN MY BROTHER!

Itachi: You wish… Foolish little brother…

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_And he definitely isn't going to go back to Konoha just to overthrow it and get all the Kunoichi of the village pregnant with his babies_

Sasuke: I read it just once in a Fanfiction, and… Man, was it disgusting…

_Continue…_

_In the next chapter…_

No Sasuke or Naruto without pink hair, so… Here comes Sakura! Stay tuned!


	3. Sakura is

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto in any way. Sorry.

Ok. This chapter has been royal pain for me to write! Why? BECAUSE I HATE SAKURA! THAT'S WHY! And as much as I like reading of her being humiliated, killed, tortured, etc… I had to restrain my instincts and write the truth. Sigh… Enjoy.

**Naruto characters are…**

**Sakura is…**

_Sakura is a shinobi from Konoha_

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_Sakura is not an angel/devil/demon or whatever the heck_

SakuraOOC: Blood! Love! Lust! Darkness! Light! Dark side of the force!

Sakura: Ok. This is disturbing…

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_Sakura is not a princess of another mysterious/forgotten/suddenly reborn country_

PrincessSakura: YOU'RE TOO POOR AND MISERABLE TO TALK TO ME! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Sakura: SHANNARO! WTF?!

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_Sakura is not a famous singer_

Sakura Lavigne: I'm an ugly girl… My face makes you huuuuurl…

Meinos: Even if the song suits her… Too bad…

Sakura: WHAT DID YOU SAY?

Meinos: Shut up. I can still make my opinion voiced.

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_Sakura is not a stripper_

Sakura: BUT WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST ME?!

Meinos: Me, everything. The others, I think they were trying to make you better, actually...

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_Sakura is not the container for the Kyuubi, Naruto is_

Naruto: THE MANGA IS CALLED NARUTO FOR A FACT, YOU KNOW!

Sakura: Well… Maybe… ( Thinks of her as the main character… )

Kyuubi: I've already agreed to be in the stomach of a ramen-loving idiot. I'D PREFER CASTRATION/STERILIZATION TO BEING STUCK INSIDE A GIRL WITH PINK HAIR AND A BITCHY ATTITUDE!

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_Sakura has an inner self, not an inner demon_

InnerSakura: SHANNARO! I'M NOT A DAMN FURBALL OR WHATEVER! NO TAIL HERE!

Kyuubi: Fortunately… You would be a disgrace to all the demonic world…

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_Sakura has a bitchy attitude at first, just thinking about Sasuke. She changes during the manga, even if I don't think I'll never forgive her for how she treated Naruto in the past._

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_Sakura is not an emo_

Sakuremo: Somewhere I belong…

Sakura: HEY! I GOT PAST MY FOREHEAD-PROBLEMS A LONG TIME AGO! AH! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I SAID IT OUT LOUD!

Nelson: Ahhh-Ah!

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_Sakura is not stupid_

Stupidkura: Witchdoctor! Waka-laka! Whatever! I lurv peanut butter VS Tuna!

Sakura: … I'll fing kill you…

Meinos: I must say, I love these kind of fics… They reveal her true self…

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_Sakura is not a nerd_

Sakunerd: Don't have time for anything, I have to study… No time for Sasuke, I have to study…

Sakura: THIS COULDN'T EVER BE!

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_Sakura loves Sasuke and Sasuke only_

Sasuke: Sigh… Don't remind me… TT

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_She doesn't love Naruto_

Sakura: How many times do I have to tell you?! I WON'T GO OUT WITH YOU!

Naruto: But Sakura-chan… TT

Meinos: Come on, Naruto. It's better… For you, of course. You don't know how many fans you have out there more MORE beautiful that Sakura. Not that it's a difficult mission to be it…

Naruto! REALLY?!

Meinos: Sure. For example, how about this one? Name: Rikku. From Final Fantasy X-2. She loves stealing things and…

Sakura: H-HEY!

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_She doesn't love Neji_

Sakura: Sorry but… I won't go out with one who got his own cousin bleed… Not that we are friends to start with…

Neji: When in the hell I asked you out?

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_She doesn't love Gaara_

Gaara: I tried to kill her once… And I think I'd do it twice, in case she decided to ask me out…

Meinos: Yeah! Go, Gaara!

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_She doesn't love Ino_

Ino: We DIDN'T use that ribbon for anything more than putting it in her hair!!!

Sakura: Seriously! We're not lesbians! Just friends-rivals!

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_She doesn't love Shikamaru_

Shikamaru: Love is troublesome… And Sakura is even more troublesome…

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_She doesn't love Kakashi_

Kakashi: Ok, maybe pervert… BUT NOT PEDOPHILE!

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_And she doesn't love Itachi_

Sakura: Well… But… After all… HE'S LIKE A SEXIER AND HOTTER VERSION OF SASUKE-KUN! ITACHI-KUUUUUUUUN! (glomps Itachi)

Itachi: … I'll Amaterasu your sorry ass for this, Meinos…

Meinos: Not till I have the keyboard, big boy…

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_Sakura is a medic nin and possesses the same monstrous strength of Tsunade_

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_Sakura is not a Jinchuuriki_

Sakura: NO, THANKS! I DON'T WANT ANY PERVERT ANIMAL STUCK INSIDE MY BODY!

Meinos: But if you want Sasuke to ravish you…

Sasuke: … Pretty good… Pretty good one…

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_Sakura is not a goddess_

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Kami: Yeah… Goddess of what? Goddess of Bubblegum?

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_Sakura hasn't any mysterious bloodline/power_

Sakura: Even if the Byakugan could come in handy when Sasuke-kun is showering… Uhuhuh…

Hiashi: I'll castrate myself before I'll let any Hyuuga have pink hair… And we prefer a stuck-up attitude to a bitchy attitude, thanks.

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_And Sakura is, in no way, Naruto's sibling_

Sakura: HELL NO! Right, Naruto… Naruto?

Meinos: Naruto and Rikku are currently investigating the closet. Sorry. I'll put an end to this chapter.

_Continue…_

_In the next chapter…_

And to make clear that this fic is completely random… Right, Excel?

Excel: Haaaaail! Meinos!

Yep. However, in the next chapter we'll have Orochimaru, or, as we like to call him in Italy, Orcomario! Stay tuned!


	4. Orcomario is

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto in any way. Sorry.

Ok! Here I am again… And this time, everything will be even more weird! This time, we have… Orochimaru or Orcomario, as we call him in Italy! Lol No, it's not his translated name in Italian, don't worry. It's just a joke of us. So… Enjoy!

**Naruto characters are…**

**Orochimaru is…**

_Orochimaru is a former Sannin, former apprentice of the Sandaime, former ninja of Konoha. He is now the leader of the Hidden Sound, and a S-Class missing nin._

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_Orochimaru is not Micheal Jackson in disguise_

Michealmaru: Thrilllleeeeeeeeerrr! Thriller niiiiight…

Orochimaru: Hurl that hat and you're a dead man…

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_Orochimaru is not Lord Voldermort in disguise_

Harry: DIE DIE DIE!!!

Orochimaru: Kabuto… WHAT is this?

Kabuto: That's Harry Potter, sir. But I don't know what his problem is… I think he's just a mean mofo.

Meinos: I was deeeeeepply disturbed the first time I saw this fan-art…

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_Orochimaru is not a demon snake_

Orochimaru: It's not like any anime person with animal-like traits is a demon or whatever… --'

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_Orochimaru is not a Jinchuuriki_

Orochimaru: If I were, who would stop me from destroying Konoha, Akatsuki, and the sea-salt ice-cream industry?

Roxas: YOU WILL NOT TOUCH THE SEA-SALT ICE-CREAM! DIEEEEEE!

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_And, OROCHIMARU IS NOT A FEMALE!_

Arochimaru: Hey, big boy. Quite a big snake, you got there…

Orochimaru: I'll resurrect and kill the person who wrote that fic 100 times…

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_Orochimaru left the village searching for power and power only. He betrayed his village, his friends and everything else. He trusts only himself and lives for his personal sake only._

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_Orcomario didn't leave because he was tricked or something_

Orochimaru: The man who can trick me still has to be born… Kukuku…

Jiraya: Then, what about that time I made you enter the hot springs on the wrong side and you experienced the feeling of getting beat up as well for on…

Orochimaru: SHUT THE FAKE UP!

Jiraya: … The fake?

Orochimaru: YOU MOTHER FAKER! NO, NOT YOU! THE ONE BEHIND!

Voldemort?

Shadow: Welcome to the club of Fakers-haters.

Sonic: GO AND FAKE YOURSELF!

T&P: Shut your faking face, uncle-fakeeeeer…

Meinos: For more details about this expression, go and read the fic 'Sonic Insanity' from 'Mecha Scorpion'. One of the best humorous fics I've ever read. Category: Sonic the Hedgehog. Url: http / www . fanfiction . net / s / 2595109 / 1 /.

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_Orochimaru didn't leave because he was secretly on a mission for the Yondaime_

Orochimaru: Me, taking order from that damn blonde idiot? As if…

Yondaime: Let's just say that you were envious because I had more or less half your age and I was already more powerful than you…

Orochimaru: AAAAAARGH! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!

Meinos: Feel the power of the keyboard…

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_Orochimaru didn't leave because he was jealous of Tsunade's boyfriend, who should have died already, I think, at the time…_

Orochimaru: I don't have time for women.

Meinos: But you do have time for young boys…

Orochimaru: W-WHAT?!

Meinos: Adult Fanfiction dot net. Story: Icha Icha Paradise. Your daughter/female clone, Orochimara. With Naruto. In the ecstasy: "Do to me what young boys do to my dad, Naruto-kun!"

Orochimaru: IT'S JUST A FUCKING OC WHO SAYS NONSENSE!

Meinos: I know… But I like believing that Sasuke and you are each other's manwhores.

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_Orochimaru loves only himself, and maybe Sasuke_

Orochimaru: STOP THIS AT ONCE!

Meinos: Or else? You can be immortal, but I have a desktop…

Sasuke: Why does everyone believe that I'm gay?

Meinos: Because there are other characters that, even if they don't show interest in women, they make clear that they're hetero. You, not.

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_Orochimaru is not in love with Kabuto_

Meinos: He changes his manwhore every decade or less, I think…

Orochimaru: AAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

Kabuto: Do I have a say in this?

Meinos: Not after the 'mean mofo' thing…

Kabuto: … That was a fan-art, you know…

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_Orochimaru is not in love with Kimimaro_

Meinos: For all that is good, I vomit every time I think about it… Like…

Orochimaruke: Oh, Kimimaro-kun! You seem to have an extra, extra hard, extra long bone, down there! Want me to take care of it?!

Orochimaru: THAT'S IT! I'LL SIGN FOR A REMAKE OF 'THE GRINCH'!

Meinos: They'd probably pair you up with the mayor because of the scene where you cut his hair and kiss his forehead… And maybe a threesome between you, him and Max…

Orochimaru: WANT TO KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT YOU?

TheGrinch: LOATHE ENTIRELY.

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_AND FOR THE SAKE OF GOD, HE'S NOT IN LOVE WITH JIRAYA!_

Jiraya: I WRITE ICHA ICHA! ICHA ICHA, FOR KAMI-SAMA! NOT SEME-UKE PARADISE!

Orochimaru: Ah! You read that too?

Jiraya: …

Meinos: …

Orochimaru: … What?

Jiraya: … Too?

Orochimaru: … Ops…

Sasuke: Orochimaru, when is the new book coming out?

Meinos: Told ya…

_Continue…_

_In the next chapter…_

Now, let's return to the Genin! Here we go with the most cute and loveable and caring of the genins… GAARA! Stay tuned!


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